Written by Allyson, @allysonsarah
Infertility is life changing.
On the surface, it may seem like infertility is just needles and pee strips and doctors visits. Sometimes it’s some tears and it’s disappointment. But it’s also hope and despair and hope all over again – a never ending cycle that feels like it can only be broken by two lines on a stick.
It’s sobbing over a pregnancy announcement and then feeling guilty about it too – am I a bad person for not being happy for her? It’s jealousy and envy, and sometimes it’s ugly crying in your car alone. Infertility is isolating.
It’s knowing that you’ll never conceive in the privacy of your home, and it’s forking over tens of thousands of dollars to the doctors who can only promise you a chance. It’s the death of a dream.
Some days it’s just numbness. It’s a pain that comes from a social need, a biological need – a need that can’t be filled. Infertility is loss. It’s trauma. It’s grief.
But… infertility is also strength. It’s finding out that we are strong, even in times that we didn’t think we could be. It’s overcoming our greatest fears, and it’s realizing that we’ve survived 100% of our biggest heart breaks. It’s knowing that life will throw us curveballs, and that we’ll be okay. Infertility is finding joy even in the moments of waiting. It’s letting go of the things we can’t control and focusing on the things we can. It’s living in the moment because we’ve realized that it’s all we have.
It’s new friends that you can crack jokes with about medical procedures (hello, Wanda). It’s poking fun at our own sex lives. It’s snickering and eye rolling at those who tell us to “just relax”, or “have you tried a juice cleanse?!”. It’s lifting our friends up when they’re at their lowest, and knowing they’ll be there to do the same. It’s community. It’s compassion.
It shows us that every path is valid, and it even shows us that it’s okay to walk away too. It teaches us to speak up and to advocate for ourselves, because we learn that we deserve the best. It’s discovering that our worth isn’t defined by our ability to reproduce. Infertility is empowering.
For many, trying to conceive is a blip on their timelines. But for us, it becomes part of our story. It becomes part of our makeup – one of those core reasons that we are who we are. There aren’t enough words to reflect all that infertility is, and it can’t possibly be described to anyone who hasn’t lived it. While I wouldn’t wish this type of loss on anyone I know, I can also now see just how much I’ve gained. Infertility has changed my life, and not just in a bad way. And that’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it?
To contribute to this series, or the blog overall, contact us at hello@wheneverybodymatters.com or follow me @wheneverybodymatters. Thank you to all who share their stories!
